The Definitive Ranking of Cake:

cake

kāk/noun

  1. 1.
    “an item of soft, sweet food made from a mixture of flour, shortening, eggs, sugar, and other ingredients, baked and often decorated.”
    Pretty solid definition, but there are so many different varieties! From Confetti to Chocolate and Coconut to Carrot, cake may well be one of the most diverse desserts (along with ice cream and pie… but they were’t invited to the party).
    What follows is a list of 20 cakes, from “Mehh… I guess I’ll have a piece” to “Holy sh*t I want this at every birthday party.”  What flavor takes the cake (insert the “I think I’m clever for including a pun smirk”)? Read to find out.
    20. Pineapple Upside-down Cake:
    One word: why? Also, no frosting and the unnecessary cherries make this cake a sure loser. Bring it to a potluck when you have nothing else to bring.
    19. Fruit Cake:
    What is it? I don’t think anyone really knows… BUT (notice the bold, caps and italics) it’s pretty good around the holidays. Just don’t ask what’s in it.
    18. Coffee Cake:
    Now don’t get me wrong. I love coffee… and I love cake. Just not together. Moreover, I’ve just had one to many bad experiences with coffee cake; always too dry and not enough coffee! The struesel topping, however, deserves a category of it’s own.
    17. Black Forest:
    I love cherry pie and don’t mind chocolate cake, but Black Forest cake just really isn’t that great. ‘Nough said.
    16. Angel Food:
    Sure it may be one of the more “healthy” options (though I disagree, because it’s still loaded with sugar), but when it comes to cake one has to ask themselves… Do calories matter? Not when it means sacrificing a slice of a gooey, melt in your mouth variety for a kitchen sponge.
    15. Boston Cream:
    Not to sound like 2004 Jessica Simpson, but is this cake or pie? The custard filling is on point, regardless. But, let’s be honest, who wants this at their birthday party?
    14. Lemon Cake:
    Because, in my opinion, anything with lemon gets high marks. Plus, lemon cake is so luscious… top that with frosting and BOOM. Sure winner. However, there are many more preferred cake varieties in this world. Hey, I’m not complaining.
    13. Marble Cake:
    Boooooorrrrrrrringggggg ***yawn*** I’ll Pass…
    12. Red Velvet:
    Always so dry… and why is it red? The cream cheese frosting is this cake’s saving grace.
    11. Pound Cake:
    Pound cake is the Taylor Swift of cakes; the person that everyone hates to admit that they secretly love, but kind of boring.
    10. Coconut:
    The layers, the fluff and the frosting are what win me over. So simple, yet so elegant. Perfect for weddings.
    9. Tres Leches:
    It may look like your run-of-the-mill white cake, but take one bite and you’ll be reassured. The combination of flavors and delicate texture are my weaknesses. Butter, whole milk, sweetened condensed milk and evaporated milk are the main ingredients… SO GOOD (yet so bad… *le cry*).
    8. Tiramisu:
    Ten million times better than coffee cake.
    7. Chocolate Cake:
    The picture says it all (admit it… we all wish we were Bruce Bogtrotter when we were younger).
    6. German Chocolate:
    Chocolate + Coconut? Pass the plate, please.
    5. Funfetti:
    Take one bite and instant flashback to every birthday party you went to as a kid ever. Sprinkles, people… SPRINKLES. 
    4. Cheesecake:
    Pretty sure there’s as many variations of cheesecake as there are people on this planet. Just try not to think about the fact that you’re practically eating a brick of cream cheese.
    3. Carrot Cake:
    Three words: Cream. Cheese. Frosting. Everyone loves carrot cake. So dense. So soft. So good. Admit it, we all save the miniature frosting carrots for last.
    2. Ice Cream Cake:
     I mean, ice cream cake is basically just layers of ice cream topped with frosting and crushed cookies, etc. But I’m not complaining. Dairy Queen has perfected the ice cream cake. Hands down.
    And now… the ULTIMATE cake variety. Drum roll pleaseeeeeee.
    1. Molten Chocolate Lava Cake:
    And you thought chocolate cake was good. Pair a piece of warm, chocolate lava cake with vanilla ice cream and hot fudge and we’ve got ourselves a winner.
    Thanks for reading! Now, where’s the cake?
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